i moved miles away, shit yeah.

it's awesome, no stress, no drama, just me sleeping until 3pm everyday, working every other & saving all of my pennies.

downsides, i know only a few people, now that i've adjusted to the town a little, i don't have my car up here yet & i deal, everyday, with one stupid cat, one spastic cat & one completely normal, yet very horny cat, all three females, cuz god knows males don't have such complicity, these cats are drivin me up a wall, one never moves, just moans, one runs from it's own shadow & i always happen to find the 3rd, on my chest when i wake up, so i can get a head start on my sneezing exercises.

lovely, anyhow, met this woman, susan, she's a charm. great gal.



i'm starting to hit if off with megan, i wanted her way back but dropped it, i don't know why & suddenly, she came back into my life wanting me, super. so i have this hot chick that wants me, AFTER i move, kinda bullshit is that?

i've been clean from ALL drugs, still smoking my cigarettes & drinking my alcohol(occasionally on the alc.) anyway, been clean for 16 days today..



yeah, that'll last. no, this susan lady, nice girl, she doesn't approve of drugs whatsoever, i'm thinking i might be done for a while, who knew.

i read some of my recent blogs, update - not addicted to alyssa anymore, i'm doing better all around, you're fuckin right, sweet girl, but i'm done chasing her.










that's all, build a beaut ashley, love you baby.

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so today, i woke up around 3pm, awesome, had about 15 hours of sleep, yeahh bitch, eat that.

then i took a shower & picked up valerie, we went to BP, i bought us some cigarettes & i bought some pills up there, good shit i guess. i didn't take any yet, so i still don't know, but i'm jumping ahead of myself.

so i picked her up, then we went to the mall, i bought a lot of shit, didn't even get to see sarah, whatever, valerie found this hat she wanted so bad, but neither of us had any more money, so we drove back to the cape to get money, then back again. then i went to puff n stuff, got some baggies then she wanted to smoke on the beach, i was like, cool, i got some pills i think alyssa will enjoy, so shit, lets go get fucked up on the beach.

we did, then i walked into the place, sibyl saw me, damnit & jordan said there were like 10 tables on 3rd, so i wasn't gonna go up there, so i kept askin people to go get alyssa, nobody wouldddd. then me & jordan & april went outside for a smoke, wendy came outside & said she was looking for me in the bar, so i finished my cigarette, went inside, no alyssa, fuck.

then she FINALLY came down & i gave her the pills, but i didn't want to tell her what it was & it be something else, cuz they look a little different than the ones i took, so i left & i realized, i haven't even taken any of these, i just gave two lady's, pills that i don't know what the effects are, fuck! i hope they didn't take any, i'm taking some tomorrow to see what they do.

so tonight, while i'm sitting at the bar, with alyssa right next to me, i was thinking to myself, what do i see in her, why does she have this unknown power that is mysterious & attractive. what the fuck is so great about alyssa. i put a few photos of her up, in one of my other blogs & asked my friends what they thought & i suppose nobody sees what i see, i think she's breathtaking, she is a beautiful chick, she really is. i sometimes see why people don't think she looks amazing, but i also believe sometimes, her being different takes over.

ya know, i went to go look at the apartments i was going to get, said it was right off barkley, alright. i took a left on barkley, went to the information center, it's called 'The Place' then i left & went down further & there was the street 'mathew' whattt theee fuckkk, that's where alyssa lives, the one place i can get an apartment, has to be where she lives, i think either way i'll get the apartment, but i won't tell her, cuz then she'll just think i'm stalking her or some shit, i hate that. i would never try to find her apartment building or anything, that shit is creepy, who the fuck does that. i'd shoot an idiot. i mean, i know she's automatically going to think that, so i just won't let her know i got an apartment, yeah! i'm moving with a friend from NY, so that'll be fun. if i had known, the place was where she lived, i wouldn't even thought about it, but since i went there & checked out a two bedroom, i have to have it, for that price, i want it.

i love you valerie! =)

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i'm feeling so stressed out & restless. i work 40 hours a week, if not more & it's killing me, i'm 17, kicked out of HS & have a fulltime job. my license is suspended, so i can't get that back until I am 18, which is may 9th, but it seems so far away for someone that has places to go & things to get done. i don't know where my money goes, but it needs to start makin it's way to the bank, like the good ol days when i'd check my bank balance & it'd say i have a few thousand. now i have like five cents in it, fuck.

my dad's side of the family makes me so mad sometimes.

this whole deal with alyssa, i still want her enough, but she gives me the shittiest fuckin attitude, i do everything for her. i need to stop, everytime she asks me a favor, i bow down & praise her.

i love valerie, i can't get over her, i want & feel like i need to see her everyday before i start a relationship with her.

i know i change my women like i change my underwear, i hate it. i don't mean to hurt anyone, but i just fall so quickly & i fall harder for the same person second time around. always, never fails.

yeah

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i hate everything that has to do with sarah, or me & sarah. i don't fucking understand her at all & it pisses me off to no end.

she says she misses me & shit, but yet she never puts forth an effort to see me, at all, ever. what the fuck is her problem? she tells me she loves me, she's in love with me, blah fucking blah. i was supposed to come over tonight & she comes up with some shit about how she needs to get herself together before she can see me? what the FUCK.

i'm so losing control of myself, i'm breaking down, i want to forget about her & go on, just fucking a forget about her. i'm pounding at this keyboard, getting so pissed off with every second that goes by.

i'm so fucking stupid why do i hold on. i'm done with all this bullshit. i had the chance to have a great person, cassie, another great person, valerie...ya know. i hate how sarah makes me feel. i need to punch something so bad before i lose it. she has fucked me over so many times.

i pray to god i don't wake up tomorrow, to keep on living in the piece of shit horror sarah is controlling. i'm moving on, i don't need to be treated this way, i need to find somebody who will be there for me as much as i'm willing to be there for them.

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i'm sick & tired of thinking about alyssa. she hardly ever ever talks to me & when she does, it's about the stupidest shit. i think she's great, that there is nobody that compares to her, i'm forever bragging about how great she is, she is the world's best waitress, i swear, the way she carries the drinks, food, everything, how logical she is with anything at all. she's so smart.

i don't know why i worry about her, i have the best person in my life, there are so many complications because of her mother, but reguardless of which, she's amazing. takes my breath away, i've never loved anyone more. i like some people here & there, but nobody will take me over like she has. she can get me mad sometimes, actually a lot but i don't even care anymore. i just want it to be me & her, but until her mom is out of the picture, there won't be able to be a me & her for about 3 years..

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My Heart

R.I.P

11/21/05

-

01/12/06

never knew it would end & end so badly. i can't believe i lost you but i hope it's for the best, i love you sarah.

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